Since coming to college and finding the community of RUF, shame has been something that is talked about a lot in my Christian circle. It is pretty common for Christians and non-Christians alike to confuse humility & self-contempt, as if the more we hate ourselves the more humble and holy we become. Well, that doesn't work because self-hatred drives us away from God which naturally moves us away from humility. Another thing we do, is avoid the topic of shame all-together, as if it will just magically go away or at least not worsen (out of sight, out of mind). Well, that doesn't work (at least it hasn't for me), because shame is like mold. You can ignore it, paint over it, or even distance yourself from it, but it will just keep growing in size and danger as it pollutes the deep crevices of our souls.
I've definitely had my fair share of shameful experiences and I've come to know the deep danger in sitting in my shame as I've seen it take me to some dark, lonely, scary places. Only the light of the gospel has brought hope and restoration to those dark places. The truth about what Jesus thinks of me and the identity He has secured for me as His child is the only ointment that has brought true healing to my wounds of my shame. No amount of self-help, or repression of memories, or pride has given me this healing; only the truth of gospel has. Genesis 3:7 "Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves." One of the first times I experienced shame was on “red day” in kindergarten when I forgot about the theme for the day and showed up to class as the ONLY one not wearing red!!! I was so upset that I made my mom come and get me from school and then spent what felt like eternity digging through the dresser for somethings red. (I still don't wear a lot of red--it's just not my color). Anyway, I remember being content with my outfit before my horrific revelation that it was RED DAY. I don't even remember if anyone asked me: “Why aren’t you wearing red today?!” but I can imagine that if they did it felt like sharp daggers stabbed into my fragile 6-year-old ego. The truth is, it didn’t matter how "illogical" my shame was. It didn't matter much I liked my non-red outfit when I got ready for school that day. It didn't even matter if anyone else noticed. What mattered was that I felt deep shame, and it hurt to the same degree that more current experiences hurt (experiences which would make my red-day story seem comically trivial). All of the sudden I went from feeling normal, secure, and confident to feeling naked and exposed "in the garden of Kindergarten”. More examples of 6-year-old Molly's shame make me laugh while simultaneously making me feel nauseous because of how vivid & painful, yet comical they are: accidentally tracking in sand from the playground and messing up the clean rug (i felt like i had just committed the worst, most unforgivable sin and the whole class saw it), getting a “yellow-light” (a discipline warning) for agreeing to braid my friend’s hair during nap-time, having a classmate give me the “Loser-forehead-L" when I tried to stand with her in line, losing a toy that friend bought me for my birthday and feeling deeply terrified that she would find out and i would be exposed as a terrible friend, having an accident on my way to the bathroom and telling my Kindergarten teacher the pathetic lie that “I spilled yellow soap!” (it was not yellow soap if you know what i mean). Genesis 3:21-21 "The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them." I wish that my kindergarten-self understood then what I know now; shame is a lie told by the father of lies. That there is a God who fully sees her in the midst of her shame and fully accepts/ loves her! That she wasn't created for the world's approval but is the apple of her heavenly father's eye! That perfect love casts out fear so she doesn't need to be afraid of having an accident or being called a loser or forgetting to wear red. That she was born into this world as a spiritual orphan, one who was abandoned and unloved by this father of lies named Satan, but a couple years later would come to know and believe in a God who sees her, loves her, and adopts her as His own. I wish I could go back to that "garden of kindergarten" and tell 6-year old Molly that she doesn't need to cover herself in "red" fig leaves to hide her shame because there is a God who loves her so much that He absorbed her sin and shame on the cross and covers her nakedness with garments of His love. As she becomes more aware of the depth of her sin and depth of God's holiness, 23-year old Molly needs to be reminded of this truth more and more. Because in Christ, sin does not put her to shame but allows her to boldly come before the throne of God guilty, sinful,and messy to experience forgiveness, healing, and fullness of life.
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Today, as I was spending some time reading at a cozy local coffee shop in my home town, I began to feel the anxiety and fear of the unknown come creeping into my soul like a sneaky snake: slow and venomous—and threatening to kill my hope and joy.
I found refuge in psalm 34. As I read and prayed through the words of the psalmist, I noticed the sweetness this psalm’s promises: The Lord hears His people’s cry.
Lately, I’ve been fighting for control; control over fundraising for my job, control over the well-being of my friends and family, control over other people's perception of me... ...from the hours in the day, to the clouds in the sky I've been hungering for control. But as I find myself failing to control time and the weather, I feel crushed and defeated under the weight of this hefty responsibility. So I am left with two choices. One shuts God out, and one cries out. And the latter seems to be the hardest for me lately. Psalm 131 speaks to the great difference between what God, in His divinity, and me, in my weak flesh were designed to take on. 1O Lord, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me. 2 But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me. 3 O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forevermore. This gives me confidence to cry out. I am free to give up the heavy weight of control over things that are far too great and too marvelous for me. I am free to not "know". I am free to enter into the calm and quiet under the shelter of my savior’s wings. I am free to be broken and to have broken, messy prayers. I am free to not have it all together. I am free to embrace humility, because in my neediness Jesus is at work. And in my weakness, Jesus is strong. “I first came across RUF in the Fall of my freshman year at VSU. The VSU chapter was just getting started in its first year. I had grown up knowing a little about RUF as my father is a Presbyterian minister and has had close connections with RUF. I initially checked it out on campus because Chad, the Campus Minister and a friend of my father’s, reached out to me to connect. Initially, RUF seemed to be the perfect place of community that I was looking for, seeing as I had made very few connections on campus thus far. I enjoyed the teaching and the social time spent during the first several meetings. I even attended the RUF Fall Conference, which I’ll admit I was reluctant to go to.
A few months into the fall semester, however, I became discouraged with my lack of progress in forming authentic friendships. Although I’m an extrovert, I found it hard to step out of my comfort zone to connect with other students. Chad took notice of my withdrawal from RUF and, after discussing my perspective with him, he challenged me to try and make some real connections despite my hesitancy. I decided to try again, and the results were more than successful. Many of the girls I became friends with that semester through RUF have become some of my dearest friends and sisters in Christ. RUF has since then become one of the few comfortable places in my life, where I know I am loved and cared for always. RUF has challenged me to think deeply and grow brutally to become a woman of God. The Gospel throbs in the heart of RUF and I can always count on my campus minister to minister to us students in a Gospel centered way. I am so grateful to have met my friends through RUF and that I get to participate in this ministry of the Kingdom while studying at VSU.” Love Lizzie's story. Love how when we trust God and take a chance to open up our lives to others, we get the gift of community in return. “My first RUF event was the annual Cookout kickoff at the start of the fall semester. I met so many people that evening, people who were interested in getting to know me.I’d forgotten what it was like to have a nice relaxing conversation with someone. Prior to RUF I struggled with lonliness, and I really didn’t know anyone around my age that I connected with.
Then, I saw the RUF spring camping trip event pop up in my Facebook feed and felt a tug on my heart to go. I’m telling you that trip was life-changing; it was like someone had dropped a pine tree on my dying campfire. I was transformed by the people I met—people that God had brought into my life and touched my heart. As I became more plugged in, I grew stronger relationships with other students and my campus minister, Lee. Then came Summer Conference. Man, I had been on trips, but this was truly an incredible week! The Lord was moving in my heart and challenging me in ways that I never experienced before. A revival, a returning to my Lord was happening. Since that time up to the present, RUF has continued to be a major part of my life. I’ve started to serve more and now I’m beginning to take more of a leadership role. Some of the relationships that I have cultivated have turned into great friendships— friendships unlike any that I have never had before. Even more, my relationship with God has been made stronger. It always has always been stable and secure, but I have never felt closer to Him. I owe all of this to RUF, God’s wonderful gift to me.” I love how God has used RUF in Thomas’s story. These events, trips, and conferences play an integral role in creating space for students to experience community❤️ I also love how you can so evidently see RUF’s mission through his story: To reach students and equip them to serve! “...During my first semester I wasn't able to attend RUF stuff much due to my class schedule, but then I heard about Fall conference and decided to go. That was the first time I really got to meet people both in RUF and college. Normally, I was not one to just go on a trip with a bunch of random people I haven't even met yet, but I felt God called me to it and I thank Him for it all the time.
Having been raised in the church, my faith wasn't fully my own yet. Now that I am separated from my home church I have been able to grow in my faith in so many ways. The connections I have made here are amazing and will last a lot longer than just my four years at college. The people you connect with in RUF will be there for you not only when you're all at your best, but also when life seems like its all going wrong. RUF is a big family in Christ. We can come to each other with any problem we might have. I have been able to talk to people and get through some tough personal issues, and without RUF things might be very different. RUF is a place where we can gather as Christians to be able to worship God and glorify Him.” I love how RUF is a safe place for both the convinced and the unconvinced— it is a place where students like Ben can actually investigate their faith for themselves. It is a place where people will be offered the gospel, maybe for the first time ever. It is a place where we can come broken, un-put-together, and vulnerable; and be met with love and acceptance. “Going into college, I was super nervous that I wouldn’t be able to find friends who loved the Lord. My freshman year, I made my way to an RUF large group. Afterwards, everyone was standing around talking, and I figured I’d just head back up to my dorm. A quick hour later, I’d chatted with so many people, including our intern whose also named Savannah, had asked for my number. I felt on top of the world.
Now a junior in college, RUF has been a home to me. I’ve become friends with and met my future bridesmaids. It wouldn’t have happened without Savannah connecting with me so early on. It was incredible having someone there who not only genuinely cared about getting connected to the group, but also took time to meet with me one-on-one so she could really get to know me. She walked me through one of the roughest times of my life, and I’m so grateful for RUF and our intern because I wouldn’t be where I am without them”. I get teary-eyed thinking about the impact that RUF interns like Savannah Shelby have made in lives like mine and Savannah Hankins. I am so so excited that I’ve been called to take on this same role at The University of Oklahoma. God is so good to give me friends like Savannah Hankins, and interns like Savannah Shelby.❤️ {Each week for the next 6 weeks I am going to be sharing a story about an RUF student’s experience in college. My friends’ stories reflect a big piece of why I am so passionate about and excited for my work with this ministry.}
Today I am sharing mine. It’s funny how we can go through life living on the surface. What I mean by that is a big portion of our lives are too scary for us to actually deal with (an addiction, a traumatic experience, an insecurity...the list goes on). And so, instead of living in the fullness of this life (the highs AND the lows) we just repress the hard stuff with the naïve hope that it’ll “go away” over time. But it doesn’t. This was my story coming to college with years of baggage—distorted eating habits, morphed body image, and an idol of perfectionism that became darker & darker, and simultaneously more & more dangerous. It wasn’t until my freshmen year of college, on a coffee date with a friend/ student leader I met through RUF, that I came face-to-face with this darkness. It wasn’t until the moment that my friend shared HER story with me (similar to mine) that I really believed for the first time 1) I wasn’t alone in my struggles 2) There was hope for me 3) Jesus sees every part of me— imperfect, broken, messy— and loves me deeper still. It was through this conversation over coffee, Jesus revealed to me the beauty of my brokenness, the power of vulnerability, and the importance of imperfection. It was from this moment on that I actually sought help, invited people in to the ugly parts of my heart/life, experienced healing, and grew deeper in my understanding of how precious and deep the Father’s love is for me— that He not only gave Himself for me, but also gives me people to do life with... the ups AND the downs. Have you ever thought about bees?
How they are so terrifying― so seemingly threatening, yet so small and delicate? They are definitely capable of inflicting pain. They have the ability to intimate us, like a mighty & powerful lion. But their humble size and delicate structure are far from lion-like. Although we freeze like we are under arrest when we encounter one zooming around our garden, we also use cartoon-versions of them to decorate our precious children’s bedrooms. The same bees that have the capability of stinging us are also the producers of the sweet, gooey substance we use to soften the bitter of our morning cup of black tea. Yes, the very same species that make an unpleasant “buzzing” as they glide (a little too closely) past our ear, also play an important role in our agriculture system. It is said that these busy little pollinators are responsible for one out of every three bites of food we eat. Pretty important sounding if you ask me. Maybe you aren’t convinced of their value. Maybe to you, they are just insects. But maybe they are more than that… Have you ever thought about having children? Perhaps you already have a child, or several children. The thought of having a child of my own someday terrifies me. Children (especially babies) are so small and fragile. They are so innocent. So delicate, so precious. Yet their presence is striking like that of a mighty & powerful lion. Their entrance into this world makes us freeze in our tracks. It forces us― even if only for a moment or two― to stop and ponder the miracle of life. The same innocent little babies that have the capability to touch the deepest parts of our souls with a joy so cosmic it cannot be contained, also produce some of the deepest, hardest, most intense pains. It is said that the honey bee is the only species of bees that dies when it stings. When a honey bee stings a person, it leaves behind its stinger (which often has to be plucked out). But the bee also leaves behind part of its abdomen and part of its digestive track, creating a massive abdomen puncture which kills the bee. Honey bees, who spend the entirety of their short lives participating in vital pollination work, are the only bees to die after stinging. A brave family I know recently experienced both the joy of welcoming a baby into their lives, and the most painful sting ever known to man; a sting that is more gruesome and gut wrenching than any bee sting. What they experienced just 10 short months after receiving the sweetest gift in the world― a gift sweeter than the sweetest honey any hive has to offer― was the sting of death. This was the death of their precious little baby girl Blakely. Blakely- Bumble Bee is her nickname. Blakely lived a short life by earthly measure, much like the life of a bee. Although it was short, it was (also like the life of a bee) a significant and meaningful life. Blakely was born with a rare genetic disorder which led doctors to predict she wouldn’t live past birth. But like a strong & mighty, fearsome lion, she came roaring into this world with a loud scream, a scream which her adoring parents would describe as the most beautiful sound in the world. Blakely, despite being born with a rare brain malformation which resulted in many long nights of seizures and cause Blakely’s facial features to look different from many babies, radiated beauty. Not only external beauty with her huge, blue eyes that captivated the world like those of a bumblebee; but her spirit also exuberated a rich and honest beauty. In his eulogy to his beloved daughter, Blakely’s dad Michael wrote: "Even though the world said you were incompatible with life, 'you did not belong, your life had no meaning, you were ugly and unlovable,' you bravely revealed in your brokenness that God intimately loves his children and that God intimately loved you. You showed that you could live, you did belong, you did have purpose, you were beautiful and you were overwhelmingly lovable.” Blakely lived for only 10 short months, and when she was called to fly away from this earth to her heavenly home, her loved ones were left with the deepest, most painful sting. But there was another death that changed everything for Blakely’s story― a death that happened thousands of years ago. This death was a death like no other death that came before it or would proceed it. This death was not a death that would last. No, this death would only last for three days. And this death, was a death that would accomplish what no other death could ever do; it would defeat the sting of death. Yes, this death that occurred on a rugged cross many years ago changed Blakley’s story and gave her heart broken loved ones a promise to cling to. This promise, like the beauty of a rainbow emerging after a dark, scary thunderstorm is a promise of hope. This hope doesn’t take away from the fact that Blakely isn’t here with us. This hope doesn’t change the fact that Blakely’s story presents us with a tension, one that is described by her loved ones as the painful call to both live and suffer... But like a bumble bee who pollinates the beautiful flowers we enjoy in our garden, Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection has produced for us this hope… the most beautiful hope. This is a hope is rooted in pure & perfect love. It wipes away every tear. It makes all things new. It is built on the unmovable foundation of a promise to restore what is broken. It meets us on this side of heaven and promises us, His children, that one day we will be as Blakely is now: a new creation LIVING in perfect, heavenly communion with her maker. Revelation 21:5 And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Whether you are a Christian or not, whether you’ve been walking with Jesus for 90 years or nine days, chances are you’ve doubted God’s goodness at some point in your life. The bible tells us a lot about who God is; He is kind and humble in heart. He is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in loving kindness and truth! It tells us that God is kind. I remember the first time I really thought about this attribute. I was sitting in dim lit room across from my counselor at the time, folding and unfolding my tear and snot infested tissue. Somehow the character of God became the focal point of our conversation. As I was spewing out/ trying to piece together my fragmented, unfiltered thoughts, she began to ask me questions that ultimately pointed to one question: “Do you believe Jesus is a kind father?” There is an advertisement about a brand of snack bars called “KIND bars”. Using a play on words with the brand’s name, they claim to have “discovered the difference between what it means to be nice and what it means to be kind”. It goes on: “Nice is polite but not always what we need to hear. Kind is honest and stands its ground… Nice is something you say. Kind is something you do”. Honestly, when I first read this ad, I rolled my eyes and legitimately felt annoyed at the content writer’s aim for depth when describing a snack bar that I buy for $2 in a vending machine. BUT! Reflecting on these words, there is actually a lot of truth here. God’s KINDNESS is not the same as our idea of “niceness”. And God’s kindness is evidence of His goodness. But because I so often mistake how I feel God is with who God is I spend A LOT of time living life blind to the magnitude of God’s goodness. Last week was one of those weeks filled with a lot of hard days, a lot of questioning, and a lot of doubts. One night, I remember sobbing to and yelling at God on a car ride home alone: “God are you good?! I believe, help my unbelief! Truthfully, I don’t even KNOW if I believe, God. I need you to show me you are a good Father!” My emotions matter, but my emotions do NOT determine the goodness of God. Seemingly all week long I was experiencing the utter brokenness of a sin-infested world. I felt hopeless and crushed in spirit. For the first time in a long time, I seriously began to recognize my doubt of God’s goodness and kindness towards me. But I also felt a tug- a gentle, yet powerful tug. A tug that is evidence that God is near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit. And like a tiny drop of the strongest super glue in the universe, all the broken pieces of my heart were being held together, even though I felt like my life was falling apart. That week came and went. God blessed me richly though the trials and although nothing is completely restored (and it won’t be until Jesus comes back), today I can truthfully say that I can see the goodness of the Lord amidst that hard week. Because He is more good today than He was last week? Absolutely not. A friend of mine recently lost his beautiful, little baby girl. He wrote a moving testimony about Blakely’s life and the divine purpose she fulfilled in her 10 short months on this earth. He made a statement that in an instant changed everything for me. It was a statement that so boldly proclaims the purpose Blakely accomplished so well during her short time on earth and God’s purpose for all of us: I am called to live, and simultaneously called to suffer. Friends, confront those deep, broken, real hurting places. Mourn over loss, ask God hard questions, feel the depth of this world’s utter brokenness. It is there, I believe, that you will encounter God. And it is there that I believe He is producing a fruit in you that is only harvested in the valley. And one day (in this lifetime or the next) you will reflect on that week, that day, that season and be humbled and ask God for forgiveness for ever doubting His complete, radical, unfailing kindness towards you. And He will forgive you. And you will see the goodness of the Lord. twenty-eighteen
There is one word that embodies the spirit of a new year, the excitement of a fresh start, and the hope of the unknown: change. I have spent many late-Decembers pondering the changes of a new year. For me, 2017 has been a year of many changes; the beginning to the end of my college career, the year I became an aunt, and the year that God solidified a calling on my life to pursue vocational ministry. As graduation quickly approaches, my time at UCF will soon come to a close and like many soon-to-be college grads, I anticipate that next year will be a year of change. Around this time last year, I began to seriously consider what would come after graduation. What does God have for me? Is it good? How am I going to use my college degree to actually make an impact? What will be my story? A little over one month ago, I made a decision that would determine at least part of that story; a two year internship with Reformed University Fellowship. reformed university fellowship Reformed University Fellowship (RUF) is a ministry strategically placed on college campuses to minister to college students. This ministry seeks to reach and equip college students with the good news of Jesus and welcomes them to come as they are regardless of beliefs, questions, or doubts. RUF has been many things for many people. For the Christian, it may be an outlet to actually consider what it means to personally walk with Jesus, and be both encouraged and challenged in that walk. For the unbeliever, it may be an opportunity to learn about who Jesus really is, be cared for by His people, witness the beauty of a life with Him, and accept from Him the free gift of salvation. For all, it is a safe place to experience biblical teaching, genuine fellowship, and (most importantly) God's deep, unwavering, eternal love for His image-bearers. where ruf meets my story During my time at UCF, I've deeply cherished this ministry and the work God is doing through it. As a high-school senior, I earnestly prayed for Christian community in college. As I was shuffling through the masses of students past UCF's prominent reflection pond during my first week on campus, I encountered the ministry that would change the trajectory of my college career and life. Like a tidal wave of Grace washing over me, God answered my prayer- and so much more. In the years that would follow that providential day by the Reflection Pond, God changed my life in some incredible ways. And although all Glory belongs to Him and Him alone, there is no doubt that God used this ministry as a vessel to accomplish some of His amazing work. As I began look toward my future as a college graduate, I asked God to fill my heart with His desires for me (a prayer I've prayed many, many times). And in giving me the courage to explore those desires, He led me to apply for and accept an internship with RUF. i am so excited I recently woke up one morning with this these words in my head and this feeling in my heart; "I am so excited". It is an excitement that is sure and true. It is an excitement that fills me with gratitude and surrounds me with peace. It's hard to believe that I am going to have the opportunity to serve with the ministry that God used to convince me that I am more sinful&needy, yet more loved&valuable than I could ever imagine. The ministry God used to give me the conviction and courage to get help overcoming self-destrcutive behavior. The ministry that led me to people who have continuously met me in my brokenness and pointed me to the truth. The ministry where I learned about depth of importance of God's word and His church. Yes, in so many ways I am thrilled and feel privileged to be a part of this ministry... walking unafraid ...but don't get me wrong- I often find myself battling anxieties, fears, doubts, and worries associated with this decision. I've spent some time weighing the risks and considering sacrifices that lie ahead. A day doesn't pass when I don't ask God questions like: "How am I going to raise the money?", "Can you really use me?", "How am I going to convince people this matters?", "What if I get sent to the wrong place?". The list goes on and on. Though I am not beating myself up over wrestling through these questions, I have to remind myself that they are all rooted in fear. And I serve a God who tells me not to live in fear. So as I walk through this season of unknowns, I will trust in Him. He has gone before me and is with me always- He is faithful. psalm 37: 3-6 "Trust in the LORD, and do good;dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday." |
AuthorMolly Delaney |